Acid is not a monday night drug
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
