i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize