I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
