It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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