tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
