Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i need an iv and a liver transplant
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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