The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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