I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
