i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
