i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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