I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize