I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
