Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
