Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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