My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
