weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
