So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize