I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Send help, water and tortillas.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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