we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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