I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
