it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!â€. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
