eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
