I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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