bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
