I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
