and i looked up. we had an audience...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
