So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
