he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize