but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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