I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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