Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
