So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
