I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
