i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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