I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
