Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
