I got chris browned last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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