My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
