I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
