the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
