Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
