he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
