look no pants
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
