I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
