apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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