I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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