Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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