He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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