our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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