Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
