the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
