rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize