tonight lets celebrate not being married
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
