He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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