what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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