I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
