WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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