I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
