My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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