I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize