you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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