I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
