Apparently you make a good broom.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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