Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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