I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
