i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
