Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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